New Year, New You?

The new year is coming and it is time to think of all the ways you are going to be better in the new year! Yes!

I can’t tell you how many times I have done this. Sized myself up and made a list of all the ways I sucked and picked the top few DETERMINED this year I would fix it.

If I could just fix me. Ughh. I have spent so much time disliking myself. I know I am not alone. Sadly nowhere close to alone.

It might be shocking to you…but I am never going to be a model. Good god I struggle with this. Wanting desperately to fit this standard of beauty that seems so slippery and elusive. Every woman I know does. Every woman I know feels they fall short. Even women that are actually models. How stupid is that?

I have a body that birthed two babies, and nursed them. My body is a map that tells the story of their presence in this world. While I deeply understand the privilege of that, that map is reflected on my body, in ways I struggle with. Deeply.

Who I am. Who I am fundamentally, I am okay with. I know myself to be kind. I believe I am pretty smart (some would say just a smart ass… no need to split hairs). I am a good friend. I am funny ( I think at least. I crack myself up a lot. You can often find me silently laughing to myself. To me, I am hysterical). I try to support people. I think about other people a lot. I think about who I want to be a lot. I try to do the highest and best in each situation. I try to see the other side of things. I want to put my arms around the world and say, “hush. It is going to be okay.” Do I fail? Yes. I try though, and all and all, I am proud of who I am. I am proud of this human person I have consciously created.

So, why, why ,why do I need to size myself up every year and decide my outsides are just not good enough? Why? I mean I am all for growth. Grow! If you yell at your kids too much…work on that. No seriously, try and BE better.

Working on being a better human, matters. I am all down for that. However, when I size myself up, it is my outsides that fail the grade.

What if though….what if instead of new year, new you, it could be new year back to you? What if you took that time to , as opposed to sizing yourself up with a critical eye, instead quietly reflect? What if you celebrated who you are? What if you could even find things on your outside to celebrate? What if  you could remember that everything that is telling you you are not enough was just static? What if you could write a love letter to your soul? That soul that tries so hard to be the best human you can be.

What if we are always scrutinizing our outsides, finding them wholly imperfect simply because they can never measure up to the beauty of our soul?

That Girl

I am that girl.  Always have been….

If it is a good joke, I laugh far too loud.

If I find you interesting, I am eager to get to know you.

I hug.  A Lot.  I mean seriously. Like, it may be it is a problem.   I just have a lot of hugs to give.

If I like something about you, (unless it would be creepy to say so… and sometimes even then) I tell you.

I am touchy.  I will grab your hand, put a arm around you shoulder,  you name it.  If I can get closer, I will.

If I love you, I always will.  Even if that means you can’t be in my life, I still LOVE you.  I love hard.

I am amazing with secretes.  Truly, my ninja power is keeping a secret, so they are always safe.

I desperately want the best for you, even if I barely know you.

I don’t cry often, but if YOU cry… watch out.  Imma gonna cry.

And you know what?  These are all qualities of me, I adore.  This is the person I want to be.  This is how I choose to show up.  Believe it or not, this is a choice.

However, as much as I like this about myself, I also get for some people, I am too much.  My eagerness and desire to know them, is off putting.  I just take up too much space somehow.

I  used to think I needed to change that.  I needed to decide to be different.  I needed to make ME smaller.  I needed to be less ME.  I needed to shrink to fit into the box.

Sadly,  I was just never a in the box sort of girl, never, to  my deep disappointment and frustration sometimes.  But I have begun to realize, I am just NOT for everyone.  But the people that get me.  GET ME.  They get all my lightness, and love.  They get the power that is me.  They get the love that is me.   My bigness does not make them fell less, it makes them feel more.

And so, I will continue to laugh too loud, hug too much, love hard  and keep all the secrets.  I will continue to love every chance I get.  Every. Damn. Chance.

And if I am too much for you??

Damn skippy.

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

― Marianne Williamson