New Year, New You?

The new year is coming and it is time to think of all the ways you are going to be better in the new year! Yes!

I can’t tell you how many times I have done this. Sized myself up and made a list of all the ways I sucked and picked the top few DETERMINED this year I would fix it.

If I could just fix me. Ughh. I have spent so much time disliking myself. I know I am not alone. Sadly nowhere close to alone.

It might be shocking to you…but I am never going to be a model. Good god I struggle with this. Wanting desperately to fit this standard of beauty that seems so slippery and elusive. Every woman I know does. Every woman I know feels they fall short. Even women that are actually models. How stupid is that?

I have a body that birthed two babies, and nursed them. My body is a map that tells the story of their presence in this world. While I deeply understand the privilege of that, that map is reflected on my body, in ways I struggle with. Deeply.

Who I am. Who I am fundamentally, I am okay with. I know myself to be kind. I believe I am pretty smart (some would say just a smart ass… no need to split hairs). I am a good friend. I am funny ( I think at least. I crack myself up a lot. You can often find me silently laughing to myself. To me, I am hysterical). I try to support people. I think about other people a lot. I think about who I want to be a lot. I try to do the highest and best in each situation. I try to see the other side of things. I want to put my arms around the world and say, “hush. It is going to be okay.” Do I fail? Yes. I try though, and all and all, I am proud of who I am. I am proud of this human person I have consciously created.

So, why, why ,why do I need to size myself up every year and decide my outsides are just not good enough? Why? I mean I am all for growth. Grow! If you yell at your kids too much…work on that. No seriously, try and BE better.

Working on being a better human, matters. I am all down for that. However, when I size myself up, it is my outsides that fail the grade.

What if though….what if instead of new year, new you, it could be new year back to you? What if you took that time to , as opposed to sizing yourself up with a critical eye, instead quietly reflect? What if you celebrated who you are? What if you could even find things on your outside to celebrate? What if  you could remember that everything that is telling you you are not enough was just static? What if you could write a love letter to your soul? That soul that tries so hard to be the best human you can be.

What if we are always scrutinizing our outsides, finding them wholly imperfect simply because they can never measure up to the beauty of our soul?