Blank Canvas

I am generally pretty good at making myself vulnerable, at least on a surface level. Truth be told, it is not total vulnerability though because I am more comfortable, than perhaps the average person, in sharing my struggles.

However, that deeper vulnerability, that vulnerability that comes when things are 100% out of your control and air itself seems hard to come by… good god, I suck at that.  I suspect we all do.

The best way I can describe how it makes me feel, is it suddenly feels as if  I cannot tolerate my own skin.  If I could strip my own skin off and run I would.  I hate this feeling so much… so very very much. My instinct is always to try to push it away.

But I know… the only way to the other side is through it.  That sometimes just simply makes me mad.

This feeling is exactly where I am right now.  I hate not having control, at least some semblance of it.  We all do if we are honest.  Even surrendering control is control.  Right?

My world is shifting in big ways right now.  Ways mostly out of my control and It is fundamentally changing how I see myself in the world.  Changing how I see my role here.  Changing how I see who I am in relation to other people.  How I will define myself going forward? What will I do with this one magical life?  I find myself taking a lot of pictures of myself.  I hate having my picture taken?!  However  right now  It is almost as If I am hoping to find the answer in there.

Who is Vanessa?

And that question makes me just want to put my head down and cry. Cry for everything I defined myself by and everything I still have to figure out.

Good god, some days I just want the grownups to come in and tell me what to do.

Despite  how vulnerable I am feeling there is a magic in it. The magic is in remembering I define myself.  Not anything else.  I get to decide who I am.  Each day, I get to wake up and decide who Vanessa is going to be in this world.  And if I get really quite, I understand how okay I really am.  I know me.   I have known  myself my whole life.  I get that that makes me lucky.  I get some of us are still trying to figure out WHO we are.

But for me, I know. I  know who I am.  And I know who I am going to choose to continue to be.  And I know, I am okay and I will always be.  No matter how vulnerable it feels.

Who are you going to be in this world?  If you don’t know… remember you are a blank canvas. You get to paint your own picture on your own terms.  Who are you?

Pretty exciting huh?